There's so much anticipation as you prepare to enter into what you can't really even fathom--complete unity with another person. You think you know what that will be like as you walk down the aisle, but how can you really know? This person you're marrying is a unique individual, with completely unique desires and triggers and temperament from anyone you've ever known. No amount of premarital counseling can really prepare you for the joys and the challenges of being married to this person, or of them being married to you.
I distinctly remember some "advice" given to us by a few couples who had been married for quite some time. I think perhaps they were kindly trying to get us to lower our expectations of marriage so we wouldn't be disappointed. Either that, or they were not-so-subtly venting about their own marital unhappiness. It would usually go something like this, followed by a laugh: "Oh, it feels great now, but those feelings will pass." "He did that nice thing for you? It's because you guys are newly married. Wait a few years." "Oh, you're in the honeymoon season."
The honeymoon season.
At first, these words would terrify me. Then, they started to tick me off. Deep down, I knew that a lifetime of drudgery wasn't God's intention for marriage.
Travis and I decided that others' stories did not have to be ours. We could choose what we wanted our marriage to look like. We had the power to decide just how long that honeymoon season would last. In our opinion, it didn't have to end. Why? Because somehow we knew the state of our marriage would be dependent on our behavior, not our feelings.
Now, I've only been at this for three years, so I am by no means an expert. But I do want to speak to the truth of what we realized at the beginning: marriage is intentional. And in a way, those folks were right: you can't just put the thing on auto-pilot during the honeymoon and expect those feelings to continue. Normalcy will set in. Routines will be established, and romance will be long forgotten--if you let it.
And I'll admit, we do let it be forgotten from time to time. But when we realize it, we talk about it and recalibrate to get our marriage back to where we want it to be: a healthy, life-giving catalyst for us to passionately pursue each other.
I'm not saying we're doing candlelight dinners every night. Who's got time for that, really? But we do have a date night every week. And we have to consistently evaluate how well we speak each other's love languages, which of course are completely opposite from one another--because God has a sense of humor like that. For instance, any time Trav kisses me for no apparent reason, I'm all:
It's a fail-safe--I will be floating for the rest of the day.
But Trav's language is completely different. Give him a clean house, and he'll have a constant smile on his face, knowing for certain he is loved. Do I like to clean the house?
Please.
But I want to be proactive in loving my husband. I want to become an expert in speaking Trav's love language, and he strives to do the same. We have committed to pursuing each other to the end, not just letting the car coast down the highway.
Have you ever noticed when your wheels are out of alignment? If you let go of the wheel while moving forward, your car will turn itself to the right or the left. It can be a minimal shift, but if you let the car continue in the direction it naturally wants to go, you'll end up in another town...or a ditch.
Because of that pesky human nature we all have, none of us should be coasting. Chances are, our wheels are out of alignment somewhere. It's the same with marriages. If you are not intentionally directing it where you both want to go, you'll end up somewhere you never wanted to be.
Drive your car. Don't assume you're going to go the way of everyone else. Don't assume that, because your intentions are good, your marriage will turn out great. It takes work, communication, and above all, intentionality.
But don't take other people's bad advice either. Yes, the feelings may fade for a while, but that doesn't mean they're gone for good. And it certainly doesn't mean you can't serve and love each other into another great season, even more passionate than the honeymoon.
And while that passion comes and goes, the depth of love, understanding and intimacy that grows underneath it is worth every bit of effort you could ever give. I've already experienced it, and I fully expect to keep experiencing it for the next 50 years or so.
Go, love your spouse. Have the conversations you need to have. Pursue this great gift together. Let God infuse your marriage with wisdom, understanding, and an extra measure of grace. These are the marriages that will change the world. These are the marriages that change us - the way God intended.
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